Nice to Make Your Acquaintance

Raggedy is laid low by illness, and she says we all can play in her b**g. My name is Hoss, and I b**g at Old Horsetail Snake when I'm well, which I am. I always put that in there, for I am 76 and I might topple over any time.

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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

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Did you ever fix up your computer to give automatic replies to eMail? Did you ever put up these replies?

"You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all."

"Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's office having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team."

"I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless eMails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received."

"Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks."

"The eMail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again." (The beauty of this is that when you return you can see how many people did this over and over.)

"I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Joe'."

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At my site we always have a favorite word or phrase. So you get one too:

My favorite word today is stethoscope. N., breathe deeper. Def.: An instrument for looking into people's chests with your ears.