It's a Raggedy Life: September 17, 2006

Many a man wishes he were strong enough to tear a telephone book in half - especially if he has a teenage daughter. ~ Guy Lombardo

PART II

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.

If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

In order for us to get to know each other, we do not need to talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.

If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin.

Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too—-there are only a few of them, for crying out loud!

And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-—ink washes off-—and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy.

“Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with these simple rules?

Monday, September 18, 2006

For the Dads (Part I)

“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.” ~Jim Bishop

PART I

Date my Daughter Application

(REVOCABLE AT ANY TIME)

NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME:_____________ DATE OF BIRTH: ________

2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______IQ: ________GPA: ______

3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________CITY: _________ ZIP ______

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain: ________________________________

7. Number of years parents married: ___________

8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATOO? ____
COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY)

9. In 50 words or less, what does “Late” mean to you? ________________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does “DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you? ________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you? ___________________________

12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________

14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely - all answers are confidential (That means I won’t tell anyone - I promise):

A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the _____________

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________

C. A women’s place is in the __________________

D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________

E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to “E” begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________

16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_____________________ Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now).

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Sunday September 17, 2006

A good conscience is to the soul what health is to the body; it preserves constant ease and serenity within us; and more than countervails all the calamities and afflictions which can befall us from without. ~ Joseph Addison