Derrick and Dr. Phil

“Laughter is an interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.” ~Ambrose Bierce


PART ONE


Derrick went to the supermarket.
A beautiful woman walked up to him and said: "Hello!"



He is rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from.
Unable to resist he questions her: “Do you know me?”
“I think you are the father of one of my kids,” she says.

Now his mind travels back, to the one and only time he has ever been unfaithful.

Derrick says, “My god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I danced naked on the pool table with, while all my friends were watching and your partner whipped me with wet celery?”


She looks into his eyes and calmly said:” No, I’m your son’s math teacher!!”




PART TWO



By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show,
I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Vodka, a bottle of Kailua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a bag of truffles.

You have no idea how freaking great I feel.